An Open Letter to Duran Duran

Posted: June 17, 2015 in Commentary

I am coming out of hibernation to say what needs to be said to Duran Duran. As a true fan of 30+ years, though not a sycophant, I am worried that you are once again about to shoot yourselves in the collective foot.  Let’s have a look down the years, shall we?

Duran Duran, band.free publicity picturefrom Duran Duran Greatest (DVD), contact: 020 7 605 5052 sarah.watson@emimusic.comrachael.wright@ldpublicity.comEDP171-001-MF.jpg

1984: You are (arguably) the biggest band on the planet. You’ve been working very hard for 4 years straight (boo hoo), so you decide that it is a good time to splinter off, putting an end to any momentum and credit accrued. It will be nearly a decade before anything close to that success comes around again.

1993: You have magically reinvented yourselves (no easy feat) and have reestablished yourselves as a musical force to be reckoned with, and you once again have the ears of the world. What do you do? Wait a couple of years and release a covers album for fuck’s sake!  I realize that your idols did just that, but that was in between multiple albums per year, not 2 or 3 per decade (yes I understand that the industry has changed…) Another decade will go by playing state fairs until you do what everyone has been asking for, and reunite the original 5 (though not splitting the pay equally, it should be said).

2004: A strong, but flawed return of ‘The Fab Five’ with the Astronaut album. Goodwill and fun is had by all, and the shows were a thrill, especially as many of your fans had never had the chance to see Roger & Andy on a DD stage! How do you follow up this unprecedented 3rd chance? You once again lose Andy (whatever the truth of that is), shelve a nearly complete album (Reportage) that features the original lineup, and decide to show everybody how terribly desperate you all are to stay relevant by working with the trendiest producers (though a couple years past their prime). The result was a record that nobody liked, or more importantly, wanted. I must say that some of the tracks are pretty good though…

2010/2011: When I heard that you guys were working with Mark Ronson, I feared that you had not learned your lesson. However, as I read about it throughout the year and realized that Mark was a real fan, my hopes were ignited. Maybe you were ready to play to your strengths, like you used to do, instead of trying to emulate the charts. The resulting album was a wonderful surprise chock full of great tunes, creative playing, and Simon singing better than ever! Truly an album that represents the talent that lies within the four members (plus Dom, whose playing is also stellar).

duran-duran-paper-gods-album-cover-636-636

Now after nearly 5 years, you are unleashing an album that not only has the worst cover art of ANY ALBUM EVER, but also houses Lindsay Fucking Lohan! WHAT THE FUCK are you thinking!? Were all the Kardashians busy? Whose dick did she suck to get on this record?  Nevermind, i don’t want to know…

I have actually had to unfollow the band on all my social media platforms because I cannot stand the sight of that album cover! Likewise, the only press so far is all of the guest stars on the record! I don’t want Simon, John, Nick, Roger, Dom, Tom, Dick, Harry, Larry, Moe, Curly, Lindsay, Paris, Kim, Pharrell, or even Nile (who I love btw). I just want a Duran Duran record, but if you cannot give me that, then I cannot give you anymore of my money (which has been substantial).

http://radio.com/2015/06/15/duran-duran-new-album-paper-gods-janelle-monae/

All of that being said, perhaps I will be surprised and delighted by the new album, which I will Spotify before I buy. However, your compulsive pattern of not knowing what to do next leaves me doubtful. Good luck boys…

Shoot-foot

Remember…ToeZoo loves you, always!

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